Don’t Absorb It, Observe It
The Art of Communication Control Through Emotional Self-Regulation
Have you ever walked away from a conversation, a negotiation, or even an email exchange feeling like someone just threw up all over you?
It’s as if their words, tone, and emotion hit to you in the face, and now you’re carrying it around for the rest of the day.
I’ve been there. We all have.
It’s what happens when we absorb communication instead of observe it.
Recently, I was listening to Jefferson Fisher, a personal injury attorney whose podcast and book I highly recommend. Jefferson calls this out perfectly: “It’s absorbing, not observing.”
That phrase captures one of the most overlooked truths in leadership, negotiation, and everyday interaction: you don’t have to take on someone else’s chaos to understand it.
The Power of Observation Over Absorption
You see, there’s a different way to communicate. One will give you power and the other takes it away.
Think of it like an out-of-body experience in the middle of a heated exchange. You’re still hearing the words, but instead of getting swept up in them, you’re observing what’s underneath:
- Why are they saying this?
- What do they really mean?
- What’s likely coming next?
That’s not detachment. That’s discipline.
Because when you observe, you stop reacting.
And when you stop reacting, you start directing.
It’s no longer about defending yourself or firing back; it’s about understanding what’s actually happening in real time: tone, timing, subtext, intent.
When you can observe instead of absorb, you’ve just stepped outside the storm — outside the attack, the frustration, the confusion — and into the calm.
It’s like you’re watching the scene unfold from above, while the other person is stuck inside it.
The Thermostat of Emotional Regulation
Here’s my personal twist on this idea: Emotions require regulation, just like the thermostat in your house.
At home, you want a stable, comfortable temperature. You want homeostasis. How do you get there? You don’t tell the thermostat to stop being hot or cold. You adjust the dial.
Communication works the same way.
In every negotiation, every tense meeting, every email exchange, you are the thermostat. You control the temperature of the room and the other person, not by controlling others, but by regulating yourself.
If the heat rises, you turn the dial. If the tone drops, you adjust. You’re not reacting to the temperature. You’re setting it.
That’s the difference between being emotionally reactive and being emotionally regulated.
The Three Levels of Control
When you observe instead of absorb, you gain control. And that control shows up in three distinct ways: if, how and when. Let me explain.
- Analytical Control: “If” You Respond
You decide whether the situation even deserves your energy.
Not every comment, text, or tone needs an immediate reaction.
Sometimes the most powerful move is silence. Observation lets you analyze whether it’s worth engaging at all. In my Negotiations Aikido training I call this “Ninja Silence.” - Content Control: “How” You Respond
When you do choose to respond, you do it with intention.
Your words are strategic, not spontaneous.
You’re responding from clarity, not from defense.
You can acknowledge emotion without inheriting it. - Pacing Control: “When” You Respond
The timing of your response often matters more than the words themselves.
A pause buys you power. Starting with a focused point rather than laying it all out.
It shows composure. It lets the other person’s adrenaline burn off while you remain centered. It has you controlling the direction communications flow.
Together, these three layers — if, how, and when — create the architecture of calm communication.
The Calm is Contagious
When you stop absorbing and start observing, something amazing happens: The energy of the interaction begins to shift around you.
People mirror calm. Tension dissolves faster than you’d expect. And the person who came in hot starts cooling down, not because you fought back, but because you didn’t give them more heat to fuel their fire.
You just watched, understood, and responded with clarity.
It’s not about suppressing emotion; it’s about mastering it.
You’re not numbing yourself. You’re navigating intelligently.
That’s communication control.
The Shift from Reaction to Direction
Let’s put this into a real-world example.
Say you’re in a negotiation and someone across the table or the other side of an email makes a provocative statement.
The old absorbing you? You’d take the bait and defend, explain, justify.
But the new observing you? You pause. You think. You ask yourself:
- Why are they saying this now?
- What outcome are they trying to provoke?
- If I react, who benefits?
- How can I calm things down by if, how and when I respond?
Now, you’ve just turned the tables. You’ve shifted from reaction to directing. You’re leading the conversation. You’re in control not because you’re louder, but because you’re calmer.
Absorbing Is Emotional Gravity, While Observing Is Emotional Flight
Absorbing pulls you into the chaos. Observing lifts you above it.
And here’s the beauty: you can start practicing this right now.
Every email, every conversation, every disagreement is an opportunity to observe instead of absorb. It takes practice, yes, but so does gaining the outcome you desire.
When you stop letting others hijack your emotional thermostat, you become the kind of communicator people trust and follow.
The Takeaway
So, the next time tensions rise, remember this simple truth:
Don’t A-bsorb the heat. O-bserve the energy.
When you observe, you gain calm, clarity, and control. You don’t just survive difficult communication, you master it. You hear everything, you feel nothing unnecessary, and you direct everything toward progress.
That’s not detachment. That’s power.
That’s the art of communication control through emotional self-regulation.
How? Because you didn’t absorb it, you observed it!
